Dating for Dummies: Stop dating the SAME type of guy

I

f I had a dollar for every time my phone rang and it was a call from my friend Tae* telling me about her new ex-boyfriend, I’d pay somebody else to give her advice on how to pick up the pieces. I quit. I love her to death but she just doesn’t listen! And to her, it’s always the guy’s fault as to why things didn’t work out. I can tell you how the conversation is going to go before it even happens. She’ll ask me how I am (but doesn’t wait for me to give her an answer), say ‘Let me tell you what this jerk did!’, I act surprised, she rants for 20 minutes about just how big of a jerk he really was and then tells me she’s done with men, and then we get off the phone because it’s time for her to go to bed. The End.

Like I said, I love her to death. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a dope girl! She’s well-educated, beautiful, hilarious, personable, sophisticated, loves to cook, established, and ambitious. She attracts lots of guys so getting one isn’t an issue. However, she decides to date the ones that are far below her level. This is a crime we are ALL guilty of at some point (denial is b!tch so keep her in check please)! Face it and be real with yourself and I guarentee that by the end of you reading this post, you will be giving that dude (or dud) in your life a serious side eye.

Dating the same type of loser guy over and over again only proves to be something that will rob you of living your life, finding happiness, love, and growth. For some reason, some woman cannot find a correlation between dating a rap sheet, GED-having, “self-employed” thug and the lack of ability to nurture a strong and committed relationship. They just see the height, biceps, good looks, the car and smell the cologne and who cares if he has 4 kids by 3 different women! And men are the only ones who think with what’s in their pants??? But, let me fall back a little.

Where there’s smoke, there’s usually fire. But a lot of times, we see what we want to see. “That’s not smoke, that’s his sexy aura”. C’mon. Really? If you think back to the very begins of a failed relationship, you will see that what he was showing you then was a prelude to what he was really about later. Now can you be mad at him for being what he really is or do you think that you skirted the fact that he’s not right for you? Honestly. Most women like a little danger. It’s a bit of a thrill to have someone that has a wild side who’s spontaneous and exciting. But don’t equate that to being with someone who’s either a flirt (possible man heaux womanizer/cheat), party animal (might have lack of focus/ hates life/no ambition), overly charming (overcompensating for a lack of something perhaps). I dated a couple of guys who hung out a few times a week. And when it all cam crashing down, they chose that party life with the flashing lights over me. Each and every time. So what did I do? I recognized that and curved every last one of those clowns that stepped to me when I was out. I knew better that to look for a life partner at the bar. Look at things from a defensive stance. It’s okay to have your guard up a little bit. It’s better than letting the flood gates open and leaving way for every and anybody to come on in and have a good time.

Here’s a wild and crazy idea: date someone that you wouldn’t usually date. If you think he might be a little corny: date him. That guy in the suit that you see on the train every other day: smile and say hello. The guy from the legal department: invite him to lunch. Challenge yourself to get to know him, flirt with him, and have fun. You might even end up really liking him. Remember that in all of your situations, YOU were the common denominator. Therefore, the problem may not be them. It could be you. Do something new.

Are you a repeat offender? Do you find yourself attracted to the same type of guy? Have you tried dating someone different?

 

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Jealous Much?

Jealous GirlNobody wants to admit to being jealous; even if it stares you dead in your green little face. Admitting jealousy ultimately acknowledges the fact that yes, she might be better than you. It concedes that beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is OWNing you. It’s the crushing blow to the ego that even the proudest of the proud cannot muster. So what do you do? You mask it–in ways so crazy, it almost seems like you’re not jealous, but that everyone else around you needs to get it together. Could you be jealous and not recognize it as jealousy? (Mmm, I doubt it) Or are you just in denial on the outside and then go home to push pins through a voo-doo doll of the chick you love to hate?? *blank stare* Whether you want to face it or not, you’re a slave to your own insecurity and there’s no sweeter freedom than keeping it 100 with yourself. So let’s make this easy. Let’s play a game called “You Know You’re Jealous When…” Ready?

You Know You’re Jealous When:

You don’t have anything positive to say. EVEERRR. Let’s say your homegirl gets a new hair cut. She’s happy and loves it and asks you what you think. Your response is: “You remind me of Justin Bieber. How cute.” Actually not cute (of you). Why compare your friend to a 17 year-old little boy? Try highlighting the positive like saying it brings out her eyes or something? Anything. But don’t tell her she looks like a boy. Thanks. Down-playing something is another hater move. If everybody agrees that something is dope but here you are with a simple, “It’s decent” *shrugs*, you might have a little envy that needs to be addressed. You don’t have to speak on it, but be real with yourself.

You imitate people. Yes, being a copy cat is a form of jealousy. Says who? Well think about it. You’re jealous because you wish you were them. But, you’re not so you emulate them. Makes sense now? I had a girlfriend who copied her childhood friend to the point where I couldn’t stand it anymore. When we’d go out, she try to copy her friend’s dance moves. She’d repeat something her friend said but in an obvious effort to make it funnier, or smarter, or just better. She even stole her tweets! (Really). But there’s nothing worse than trying to go out and cop the same things that somebody has. Your friend has a Marc Jacobs bag so you go get a Marc Jacobs bag. She moves into a certain neighborhood, you move around the corner. There’s nothing wrong with you or being you for that matter. Now, repeat that last line to yourself around 10 times.

You try to steal their friends. Having a group of mutual friends can be fun. There’s usually a nice balance of personalities with one common underlying thread. The rules of engagement are different though if you are introduced into an existing group of friends. Say for example, my friend Janine brought her sister Olivia to her friend Monica’s housewarming. Then 3 weeks later, Janine brings Olivia to Monica’s birthday party. Olivia feels more familiar now. So she invites Monica to go shopping with her next week, but she doesn’t invite her sister…who introduced them in the first place. It’s a little odd but nothing crazy. But then two weeks later, Olivia asks Monica and her other friend to go out for drinks after work without at least extending an invitation to her sister. Now Olivia is doing too much.

I don’t know about you but I might have an issue by now. It comes across as a way of trying to live another person’s life. You cannot replace somebody in their circle of friends. Instead, try to just be a part of the group. Bring what you naturally bring to any situation, whether it’s you sense of humor, empathy for people, or silliness.

I’ve dealt with jealousy and jealous behavior and it’s uncomfortable to say the least. People will try to down play your looks, take your friends, your job, your significant other or even your life.  It’s always awkward so the most you can do is fall back. Has this happened to you? What were some of the things that made you realize that your friend or family member was jealous of you? How did you deal with it?

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Black Bags Bore Me

black hand bags

(original post on dannimac.wordpress.com)
I’ve been redesigning my closet after my move to New Jersey and came to the realization that I do not own a black handbag. I have black clutches. But no black handbag. And I thought to myself, “why?”. I realized that you can do so much more with a fun pop of color. That ever single time I went to purchase a black bag, I ended up leaving with a bold red, rich brown or cool grey (if you wanna get technical I kinda do own a black bag since grey is a shade of black–it’s the geek in me). But ask yourself, why does black have to be such a must?? Does it really go with EVERYTHING?? Sometimes, black draws away from the outfit. Sometimes, it makes you look like you have no imagination or you’re afraid to step outside of the box and actually coordinate something rather than “play it safe”. Since I’ve been at Prada, so many of my clients gravitate towards that ominous black bag in an attempt to have something that with go with every outfit. Unless you work in a funeral home, wearing all black all the time doesn’t always work with every occasion–ESPECIALLY in the summertime! Here are my picks for now that will carry you through the fall. Now go ahead and fight the urge to pick up that bag!!


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I Want The Title

What’s in a name? Well, as some people may see it, EVERYTHING! If you call a woman a lady, then it’s safe to say that she possesses those qualities that warrant that title: refined, good disposition, with no extra neck action when she’s trying to get her point across. On the other hand, anything the opposite of that is….well, you get my drift. So does this same rule apply when it comes to our relationships? Does it matter what your title is so long as you are being appeased by your man? Does a title bring about particular expectations that not having one doesn’t? Or is it safe to assume that if two people are involved, there are certain things that will automatically come with the territory? Continue reading

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Back For the First Time

After being on a rather long hiatus, I’m pleased to let our beloved readers know that we are back and in full force! It’s been hard trying to adjust to the climate of what’s going on in the world today while still trying to remain relevant and fresh! I, for one, know the importance of standing out from the pack and giving people something to chew on while they navigate these murky waters of the blogosphere. As always, feedback and love is a must. See you soon!

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Can’t Read My Poker Face

Poker Face Stays Winning!

If it is one thing us as women fail to do, time and time again, it’s to keep our emotions in check. Hell, we can’t help it. We’re built this way. I will not be apologetic for being a woman. I won’t even apologize for being a b*tch sometimes. But, as a woman I will apologize for not keeping my “crazy” in check. Many of you ladies are reading this right now and  saying to yourself, ‘I know a couple of girlfriends who are crazy, thank God I’m not!’. And many of you men are reading this and saying ‘Thank God, a woman who admits to being CRAZY!’. (We’ll touch on the subject of what crazy is in another post for another day.) Keeping your “crazy” in check or as I’m calling it, putting on your poker face, is a necessary skill for surviving those “Wish Somebody Would” moments and coming out on top. Continue reading

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I’m Torn Between the Two

“You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you…a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals…look for someone complementary…not supplementary.”

I love this quote because it reminds me that I must look for something deeper than just a handsome face and gorgeous smile.

In life, I think we all fall victim of what society wants us to like and look for.

However, understanding and appreciating the fact that your significant other isn’t JUST like you, but just likes you, is important.

Look for the one that accepts you for who you are, what you are, and how you act (in public) and still likes you. Continue reading

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